Oh, hi. I’ve never been fit for a bra before, because I have the chest of a 9 year old girl. I don’t really care about all that boob stuff, either. I’m thankful my breasts aren’t big, because I know I would topple over constantly, and I’d probably assume every man I encountered was checking my milk sacks out, so I would hiss loudly and flick them all off.
Sometimes I read statistics about how many women are wearing bras that don’t fit them correctly. After I solemnly shake my head at the stupidity of women with breasts, I immediately spiral into a deep daydream about what it would be like to go through a bra fitting. With a real live boob professional.
Since I’ll never know, my mind wanders off into the crazy places it is wont to visit. I begin to think of all the ways I could entertain myself at a bra fitting at the expense of the boob pro.
Here they are.
First of all, you’d of course have to stuff items into your bra before you get to your bra-fitting appointment. You obviously want to start the whole shebang off with a fun surprise. These are some ideas I came up with, but feel free to add your own in the comments.
1. Glitter. I am envisioning stuffing a shit-ton of glitter in your cleavage and then after you remove your shirt for the measuring, you can theatrically rip your bra off and glitter will fly EVERYWHERE. Glorious.
2. Condoms. Squeak out a barely audible “whoops” as some fall out and you scramble to pick them up.
3. Pull a super ball from each bra cup. Your fitter will be so happy when she sees that your nipples aren’t really that large.
4. What else? Your pet lizard? That would be a gas!
Next, your fitter (whom I am picturing with giant breasts at about her navel, reading glasses on a chain, wafty, floral perfume, and a slight, indiscernible accent) will wrap a tape measure around your upper rib cage and breasts to find your secret bra band number. Practice taking deep breaths to puff up your size, because you are going for something close to 50 inches here. Or not. What do I know?
She’ll look at you cock-eyed, because I don’t even think you can buy a bra in size 50 (sucker). So you can let your breath out now (extra points if you can make yourself burp loudly), then just hang loose like a rag doll, grazing your fingertips against the floor. (5 bucks says the floor is some ungodly colored green carpeting and covered with lint and tags from shoplifters.)
When she asks you to stand up straight, snap at her to not rush you OR your breasts, and that they are feeling a little shy today.
You may begin whispering to them in Pig Latin at this point.
Slowly raise your arms to let the real measuring commence. I think it would be fun to keep flaring your nostrils open and closed as she measures you, because she will spy that out of the corner of her watery eyes.
The next part I’m a little fuzzy about, having never been through this, but I imagine she will bring in a bunch of bras for you to try on next. I have no clue as to how she figured out your cup size, apart from the old squeeze-test.
Anyhoo, take this opportunity to write a message on the mirror with lipstick for her to discover upon her return. I’m thinking you could draw her likeness. Yes.
This next part is where the real fun begins. It’s important to follow these directions in the exact order:
1. Try on all the bras, one over the next. You will look fantastic.
2. As you take each one off, giggle loudly that your boobies are getting colder! Then say just kidding really fast, over and over.
3. I think there is a test you do to see if the bra gives you enough support, and that is the hanging down and shaking your stuff test. Refuse to do this. Tell her you aren’t allowed to hang forward since your big accident.
4. When you’ve found a couple of bras that you like, buy them and immediately return them. Tell your fitter you wanted to give her the thrill of making a commission, but that you really can’t afford to buy new bras at this time. Ask her to write down the style names and numbers for you so you can buy them cheaper online.
Of course, while she’s writing down this information, you will be stuffing the bras into your purse. Bingo.