How to Transcend Your Stupid Life Through Meditation

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Meditation_by_Meernebel

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Did you guys have a great Presidents Day? I hope you got everything you asked for. We had a load of fun not doing anything presidential, but we did eat ice cream and go to the orthodontist and walk to the park. Don’t I sound like the perfect mom? Yes. It’s true, I am.

And it’s Lifewhack! What would you like to learn about today? How about reaching complete and total Nirvana?

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I’m something of a champion meditator, out-relaxing people on a consistent basis. Follow my lead and you, too can soothe yourself silly.

1. This may seem contrary to what you have heard, but it’s always a good idea to consume a large meal before you meditate. This has the twofold effect of loading down your body and piquing the interest of your colon. Most people overlook the importance of colon happiness when embarking on a meditation practice.

2. The first 16 times you attempt to meditate, you will foolishly sit in bed. This time, you’ll tell yourself, I won’t fall asleep. How hard can it be to sit in a warm, comfy nest with my eyes closed, breathe heavily and not slide into a deep slumber? This is your denial period and is mandatory for every amateur meditationist. Enjoy the naps and when you’re ready to stop fucking around, grab a little pillow, sit on the floor and move on to step 3.

3. I think we’re all aware at this point of the importance of a few deep, cleansing breaths. Close your eyes and suck in polluted toxic air through your nose and shoot it out yer pie hole. Try to not notice your disgusting garlic breath.

4. Watch your thoughts float away in a pink bubble. Let the bubble carry away all the malice you feel for your neighbor who blasts Joe Walsh (solo albums) in his garage early on Sunday mornings. Watch as the bubble gently whisks away your obsessive desire to dog-poo bomb your husband’s ex-wife.

5. Feeling relaxed? Bad. You’re not supposed to feel anything. But don’t let the fact that you’re failing at meditating cause you any anxiety.

6. Soon you will reach the point when you are supposed to be tapping into your deep subconscious. Wonderful clarity of mind occurs here- you could access unfettered brilliance and healing brainwaves- if only you weren’t giggling uncontrollably because you just rumble farted.

7. Next you will slowly return to your fully conscious self. Or I should say you’ll try. Did you know that 14 out of every thousand people who meditates enters a permanent state of dopey anesthesia? True facts. You’ll live out the rest of your days as a gentle doddering peacenik, spouting the benefits of true bliss and shunning the constraints of a small-minded society. Let’s just assume for the moment you’re amongst those who can claw their way back to reality.

8. Go about your day with the smug satisfaction of one who has overcome lazy “average person” existence. You are well on your way to a much more effective self. No longer will your days sitting at that desk be viewed as wasted time, slaving to make more money for ‘the man’. You are in control of your mental destiny! You and your fabulous pink bubble.

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  1. says

    You’ll live out the rest of your days as a gentle doddering peacenik, spouting the benefits of true bliss and shunning the constraints of a small-minded society.

    …and you'll move to Williamsburg. Or Portland.

  2. says

    They say that when the student is ready, the teacher will arrive. You are definitely going to be my meditation coach because it would just be so fun with you!

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