So you know how I’m a little obsessed with grocery shopping and grocery stores? Well, I am. I’m a strongly-opinionated grocery shopper. And I take my shopping seriously, not allowing couponing or other such nonsense to taint the pure experience of placing foodstuffs into my cart and sashaying down the aisles, bloated with satisfaction.
It was with great shrieking sobs of sadness that I received the news of my main grocery store’s untimely demise. It’s name is Dominick. I mean Dominick’s, and I’ve complained spittily about the store in the past, but that’s only because I’m a judgmental perfectionist, and I grew up with Wegmans.
Now that it’s going away I’m gonna miss that damn place.
The most appalling thing is that there are rumors of a discount grocery store moving in. At one point I heard that Whole Foods was sniffing out the location, which would be entirely satisfactory to me, but I can’t abide by walls of Chef Boy R Dee and wrinkled cucumbers and fake orange juice. I won’t do it, I say.
A little birdy told me that today was the day they would discount the booze. This changed everything. After all, old pappy Hoffower will be here on Thursday for a week, and he and my sis and I like to partake in a good Manhattan or 6 during the holiday season.
I dropkicked the kids off at their respective schools this morning and I put on my invisible people armor, and drove to Dominicks.
I braved my way through the parking lot of hell into the weirdest site I’ve ever seen in my whole entire life. People were SWARMING around the liquor, filling their carts with wines and spirits. It was stressful. There was a palpable mixture of hostility and guilt swirling around. After all, we were all there at 8:30am to buy booze, and that’s maybe a little pathetic?
Anyway, the Makers and Jack Daniels and even Woodford Reserve was all cleared out, so I nabbed a bottle of Bulleit Bourbon and tucked it into my cart. Here’s where I went a little holiday nutty: I was sort of thinking about how I only had 1 item in my cart, and it was an expensive item, even at the 30% discount. I contemplated putting it back on the shelf and getting the hell out of there, but then I spied the really cheap Pinot Grigio and grabbed three bottles.
Somehow my pea brain justified buying the expensive bourbon as long as I was buying really cheap wine, because somehow that would balance it all out. That’s how I do math.
I stood behind a lady in line whose cart was filled with laundry detergent and wondered if she felt an enormous sense of satisfaction at stocking up on something so boring. I wanted to crack open the Bulleit and offer her a swig so she might come to her senses, but instead I leaned over my cart and read an article about how Google+ is much more awesome than Facebook.
The moral of this story is that it is really depressing to be in a grocery store that is going out of business, and one should never do it under any circumstances, unless one wants to stock up on a shitload of laundry detergent.